As long as it's not around me

I've been thinking alot since our rehearsal on Saturday. Mostly about myself and just the group together. I'm really enjoying the level of comfort that seems to be forming throughout the cast, and I personally am feeling more comfortable as a result. I found myself just sitting there, and really taking in what people had to say, either about their own struggles or the struggles of others that they know. I was especially surprised when Brian, who I feel like I know the least at the moment, shared about himself. I was kinda thrown off, because I can't say I've spoken more than two words with the guy, and then he just lays out all these things that have happened to him to a group of practically strangers. So when I speak about that comfort that I'm feeling, that definitely was a big part of it. I shared a personal story as well, about a time that I was on the beach. For the blog's sake, I guess I'll recap the story I told:

I was on the beach all day at Avon with the guy I was seeing at the time. We had a really fun day of just swimming, laying out, talking etc. As the sun was setting and the day was ending, we began to kiss. Light kissing, nothing too sexual, just nice, intimate kissing. As this is happening, I just hear in the distance, "Take it somewhere else guys." And I look up to see some middle-aged man standing near us. And I just reply, "Excuse me?" and he responds, "Cmon, this is a family beach. There are kids around." "WTF does that mean?" I replied. He just continues with the same two things he already said. Meanwhile, I notice another couple, man and woman, making out like on top of eachother. Borderline dry-humping. And yet, this man has to talk to us?

Now, everytime I think of this day, I get so tense in my throat, chest, lungs, etc. I was infuriated for the rest of that day, my perfect beach day was ruined. Even as I type right now I can feel this tension. I think the reason why it bothered me so much is that I always have this fucking wall up. This guard that won't let me really be happy with who I am. I have such a HUGE problem with PDA, (hand-holding, etc.) and just for this one day, I didn't even think about it. But as soon as that man, whoever he may be, said just two comments to me, my wall shot up again quicker than lightning. And yet, as angry as this situation still makes me, I thought to myself on saturday "So what? This douchebag just said a few words to me. That's it. He didn't curse at me, he didn't hit me, he didn't overtly insult me." And yet, his comments still grab at my chest."

I'm 20 years old turning 21 this year, and Matthew Shepherd was 21 when he was killed. If I was half as outspoken and open with myself as Matthew was, I could very well be in a situation not unlike his. I could easily be a victim to a hate crime if I put myself out there like he did. Because, my sexual orientation is something I have to think about everywhere I go. There are places where it's OK and not OK for me to be who I am. And like that day on the beach, I thought it was a place that was OK. What if I do that again, but only the next time it will be more than just a few rude comments at me? That scares me. Even before I left to move back to school this semester I was reminded of that fact that it's not always OK, my mom told me to be careful of my roommates, because they're all frat guys that I didn't know. She's afraid for my safety. It sucks that I have to aware of this everyday. I hate it.

This all reminds me of a quote I hear from people more often than I'd like to (in response to someone telling them their gay) "It's cool that you're gay, as long as it's not around me." Fuck that. That's not OK. And I'm beginning to realize that more as we go on. I should be able to be who I am anywhere that I damn well please.

-Joe, actor