some thoughts

So I've been feeling really off lately and it's taken me this long to make the connection between this weird feeling and the show. I've felt a lot more vulnerable and sort of as if I could break at any point; which is what happened last night.
We watched this movie about a school shooting called Elephant as a cast and as I was driving home I knew what was coming. I got home and told my aunt about the movie and I was telling her why its different from our show. This movie was purely informational and was just exploring what might occur at a school on a day like this. It was unforgiving; there was no message; there was no recuperation. I'm not criticizing it as a movie at all, I'm just noting that this is they way they approached this subject matter and they did a very nice job of it. I appreciate it as a piece of film and it definitely affected me but its not a movie I ever need to see again. Its not a movie I could describe as one I like. Laramie is different because while it does delve into the horrific details of this crime there is a message. Its a show that leaves you with hope and love. This movie left us with death and insanity and redemption at all; not even for a second. And I'm not saying that they should have because very often in real life that is the case but on a personal level I just couldn't take it.
I was thinking about this as I was leaving my aunt's room and going to my own room and I felt like I was being physically hit over the head. I just stopped dead in my tracks and started crying and could not stop myself for at least a half an hour. Even after I calmed down I slept for maybe about 3 hours that night.
In a perfect world good inspires other works of good and sometimes thats how it goes. Sometimes its not. Sometimes evil is what we get. But good comes out of evil too. Thats the thing we need to walk away with from all of these kinds of situations, I think. I mean yea, two people in Laramie, Wyoming did something unforgivable and heartbreaking but from that mess came Romaine Patterson and her Angels. What a tragically beautiful thing.
Judy Shepard told people to go home and hug their kids and never let a day go by without telling them you love them, and Rulon Stacey comments about how this made him think about his own daughters and how Judy doesn't have her kid anymore. That visual really resinates with me. And so does all of the mother/ daughter stuff going on with Reggie, who is one of my characters, and her own mother.
Lately I've taken to calling my mother for no reason; I just want to talk, or when I get upset, instead of a friend I'll call her. I didn't realize until last night that this show is the reason for that. When I was upset after the movie I called her and she made me feel better and the next day she texted me and told me she was coming up to stay the night and I don't know why but I wanted to cry when I got it.
Sorry this entry is kind of all over the place but I just wanted to get my thoughts down before I forgot them.

-kelsey